Little Monsters
by Angstosaur
Summary: A Hallowe'en fic featuring the Torchwood Team ... angsty, humourous and not to be taken seriously :-    Previously posted on LJ


**Little Monsters **

"Where's Gwen?" Owen demanded.

"With Rhys – they're going to a party." Ianto didn't look up from what he was doing – he was too busy concentrating.

"Bloody hell – not another night off?"

"Yep."

"But it's Hallowe'en!"

"They're going to a Monster's Ball apparently. Why – jealous?"

"Of what? Anyway, that doesn't change the fact that it's Hallowe'en."

"Don't tell me you'd got plans to go trick or treating as a zombie – what would be the point? Not as if you could actually eat any of the sweets."

"Ha bloody ha … I'm rolling around here tea boy … so what are you doing with all of those chocolate bars?"

"Injecting each one with a dose of your extra-special child-friendly retcon." Ianto stated in a matter of fact way that made it clear that he expected Owen to understand exactly what he was doing.

"Why?"

"Don't you remember last year?" Ianto made a tut-tut sound as if disappointed that Owen didn't have instant recall.

"Oh – you mean when Jack rounded up that gang of eight year olds in masks and waved his Webley in their faces?"

"Could've been worse – remember that time you got him drunk?" Ianto gave Owen a meaningful look. Owen shuddered at the suppressed memories.

"Give me one of those Mars bars will you?" Owen tried to grab one of the small bars that Ianto had set to one side, only to have his wrist slapped.

"You don't eat any more – remember? I also very much doubt that retcon works on the undead."

"Huh! Anyway whatever it was Jack was waving at those kids we'd have needed to retcon the kids, either that or have their parents press charges."

"That's true," Ianto sighed.

"Ianto –those certificates you asked for."

Both men looked up as Tosh joined them on the moth-eaten sofa. She was holding a neat pile of laminated sheets.

"Thanks, Tosh." Ianto took the bundle from Tosh and set them down on the table.

Owen grabbed one of the laminated certificates and shook his head in disbelief.

**_Well done ! _**

**_You've been awarded a Certificate of merit for your Halloween costume !_**

**_Cardiff_****_ Tourist Board_**

"You sure you're not overdoing this?"

"I thought that it would help avoid accusations of inappropriate behaviour if any of us get caught out chasing a child across the city – we present them with a certificate and a chocolate bar and then beat a hasty retreat before getting arrested."

Tosh tried to sneak a chocolate bar from the table whilst Ianto was explaining his cunning plan to Owen, only to find her hand firmly gripped mere millimetres from her goal.

"I've got unadulterated ones in my desk – come and see me later." Ianto winked at Tosh, which made her roll her eyes. She'd have to have words with him about picking up bad habits from Jack.

"Do you really think we're going to mistake kids for aliens?" Owen shook his head scornfully.

"Have you seen this year's weevil masks?" Ianto fixed Owen with a stare.

"Weevil masks?"

"Oh yes – apparently the presence of weevils isn't quite as secret as we thought." Tosh added helpfully. "There are ghost walks around the Bay taking in a tour of the storm drains – with the added frisson of danger that they might encounter one of the sewer beasts of Cardiff."

"You've got to be kidding me." Owen looked from Tosh to Ianto, disturbed to see that they were both being totally serious.

"If only – rumours are that there was a radioactive leak from Turnmill that got into the sewers and as a result the rats have mutated." Ianto tapped the side of his nose. When it came to local knowledge, no one on the team disputed his knack for knowing exactly what was being said on the streets. "According to Dark Talk, the conspiracy theory radio show, Torchwood have been capturing theses mutant rats for experimentation before dressing them in blue boiler suits and releasing them back into the wild."

"Them again – I thought we'd shut them down."

"Yeah – that was until Jack met Abigail … now he says we should let them continue and just monitor their activity."

"Typical," Tosh snorted.

"So – these masks." Owen asked, attempting to bring the conversation away from X-Files territory. "Just how good are they?"

"Good enough that weevils could mingle with the trick or treaters and you wouldn't be able to tell the difference until they opened their mouths." Ianto explained patiently. "We're going to have to respond to any and all sightings of anything potentially weevil-ish. I suspect it will take more than a mini Mars bar stuffed with retcon to obliterate the memory of someone having their throat ripped open."

"No shit." Owen sank back into the sofa. "And Gwen gets the night off?"

"Where are they selling these masks?" Tosh asked, not wanting to get into yet another argument about Gwen's ability to sweet talk Jack into giving her time off. It would only leave all three of them pissed off.

"That exhibit at the Red Dragon Centre – the sci-fi one – they're selling all sorts of monster masks for Halloween. You'd be surprised at how many are familiar faces." Ianto shuddered at the memory of his last visit to the establishment when he'd come face to face with a replica Cyberman that was frighteningly realistic.

"What? I thought cover up was your responsibility – been slipping up have you? Mind off the job?"

"Piss off, Owen – the sewers are infested with weevils, it's not really surprising that photos have got out, after all everyone and their dog's got a camera phone these days. It would be a full time job tracking down every image on the net – not to mention the footage on YouTube. At least there's no online evidence of Torchwood capturing or killing weevils."

"I can imagine that would be a priority of yours – making sure there's no evidence of you and our fearless captain in the parks late at night 'hunting weevils'." Owen smirked as he saw Ianto grit his teeth.

"Yes, Owen – or should I be calling you King of the weevils? Maybe you should patrol the streets on your own tonight, touching base with your loyal subjects?"

"Not happening – remember, I break permanently these days – it's just you, Tosh and Jack on duty." Owen grinned wickedly. "So let me get this straight – there are going to be dozens of kids wandering around the streets later on tonight, in the dark, dressed as weevils?"

"God help us, yes – loads of kids running around in gangs, terrorising anyone they can find, throwing eggs and demanding confectionary."

"Enjoy."

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It had been as busy as Ianto had feared, the calls had come in thick and fast – mostly cases of mistaken identity. But there were just enough genuine weevil sightings to keep the team on their toes. Owen stayed behind at the Hub, screening calls and directing the team to whichever report sounded most credible.

Owen was monitoring the comms as Jack and Ianto pursued an opportunistic weevil that had been loitering outside the smoking area at the back of a pub. They'd had to push their way through a throng of people gaudily attired in a variety of witch outfits and monster costumes.

Jack was in front as he launched himself at the weevil, grabbing hold of its ankles as it tried to squirm out of his grip. The weevil twisted around and swiped at Jack's face, its claws slicing through flesh, exposing muscle and bone before the wound filled in with blood.

"Quick, Ianto – spray it – now!" Jack managed to yell out, his face burning with pain.

Ianto crouched down quickly and sprayed the weevil in the face – emptying his can of weevil sedative in the process.

"Oh my God, Jack – that looks bad," Tosh said as she approached cautiously, her gun raised, just in case.

Ianto was busy immobilising the weevil and Jack was wiping the blood from his eyes so he could see what was going on.

"It'll be fine – healing already," Jack muttered, trying to reassure Tosh. "Oh shit – kids!"

Tosh and Ianto turned to see a cluster of kids silhouetted at the end of the alleyway. They were standing as if shocked at what they'd seen – which wasn't surprising, especially as the torn skin across Jack's cheek was beginning to knit together once more. Then, as soon as they realised they'd been spotted, the kids turned tail and ran.

"Ianto – go after them – you gotta stop them!"

Not waiting for any further orders, Ianto sprinted after the group of kids, confident that he could out run them. The streetlights caught the blue costumes they were wearing and from the rear Ianto could tell that they were apparently dressed as weevils. Brilliant. They'd just seen him and Jack attack a real weevil and knock it out – they probably thought he'd killed it, no wonder they were running so fast.

Hurtling around a corner, Ianto was startled to find himself ambushed. Something hard struck the back of his head and he fell headlong into the litter on the street. Head spinning and vision blurred, he heard Owen shouting at him over the comm., demanding to know why he'd screamed. Raising his head to answer, he was shoved back down to the ground, pinned down as small bodies flung themselves one after another on top of him.

"Been ambushed. Bloody kids!" Ianto managed to get out, wondering how he was going to live this down with Owen. He'd never hear the end of how he'd been ganged up on by a bunch of children. That was until he smelt the rancid breath of one of his assailants close to his face.

"Oh shit."

Desperately trying to scramble away, Ianto heard his clothes ripping as his trousers were torn and the seams of his coat pulled apart. There were hands and claws all over him – tearing at anything they could reach. Holding his arm up in front of his face he felt sharp teeth cut into the back of his hand.

"_Ianto – what the hell is going on?"_ Owen's voice was yelling in his ear.

"Weevil kids – attacking… argghhghghhhhh!"

"_Jack – get your arse in gear – Ianto's down!" _

"_Ianto? Ianto!"_

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The dual sounds of thundering feet and clattering heels broke through the shield he'd constructed around him. Ianto peeked out from under the remnants of his coat. He was huddled into a ball, his knees up to his chest and his arms over his head in a defensive stance.

"Ianto? Are you OK?" Jack demanded – taking careful hold of Ianto's hands that were covered in small bites and scratches that were bleeding profusely.

"Think so." Ianto nodded nervously.

"Ianto – what did you do to them?" Tosh asked tentatively, a distinct tone of awe in her words.

"What? Nothing." Ianto sounded baffled and was beginning to shake. Jack was holding him close which was good.

"Ianto – they're all out for the count." Tosh was standing next to the sprawled bodies of half a dozen juvenile weevils. "I thought you'd run out of spray?"

"I had." Ianto frowned and then felt down at the tattered remains of his coat. "Oh."

"Oh what?" Jack asked anxiously. "You hurt somewhere else? What is it, Ianto?"

"No – not hurt." Ianto was patting down the sides of his jacket, flinching as the fabric caught on the open wounds on his hands and looking at the damp ground around him. "Pockets – gone."

Jack moved around to crouch in front of Ianto, cupped his head gently in one hand and tipped his chin up to get a better look at his face. He could feel a large lump on the back of Ianto's head, that was sticky with blood and he was beginning to worry about a possible concussion. His worries weren't allayed by the fact that Ianto was starting to talk nonsense.

"Mars Bars – all gone."

"It's OK, Ianto – I'll get Owen to look you over properly when we get back to the Hub – you're going to be fine." Jack spoke slowly.

"No – Mars Bars – all gone." Ianto looked to Tosh, hoping she'd understand what he was getting at.

"Oh!" Tosh responded. "**All**of them?"

"Yep." Ianto looked shocked.

"What's going on, Tosh?" Jack hissed.

"It seems that young weevils like chocolate."

"Chocolate?" Jack frowned.

"Mini Mars Bars spiked with retcon – I had about twenty in each pocket."

"Oh," said Jack, as he finally understood what had happened.

"I hate Hallowe'en." Ianto shut his eyes as he felt Jack slide his arm around his shoulder once more.

"It's nearly over." Jack pressed a kiss to Ianto's grimy forehead. "Let's get you back to the Hub."

"Just Bonfire Night to get through now," Tosh added trying to sound optimistic as she helped Jack get Ianto standing. "I think it might be Gwen's turn to be on duty."

"Oh joy – skies full of flashing lights and loud bangs."

"Hey – play your cards right and I can arrange for those in my bunker later on tonight," Jack whispered into Ianto's ear.

Ianto stumbled slightly and grabbed hold of Jack around his waist to keep him on his feet.

"I think you may owe me that after sending me after six weevils on my own."

"They were only little ones."

"Little monsters are still monsters, Jack."

"Happy Hallowe'en, Ianto." Jack stopped to give Ianto a tender kiss on the mouth, his hands sliding down the back of Ianto's trousers and through the torn material to caress bare skin.

Tosh coughed loudly.

"You might want to stop there. Remember – we're out of the retcon laced chocolate."

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End file.
